How to Pick Bones (at a Japanese Funeral) in Japan

    In large family funerals, the crematorium aspect is very important and to most western folk, fairly bizarre. My in-laws thought it was strange when I told them that Americans who send their loved ones to be cremated receive the ashes at a later date.

                                                        
I've got a bone to pick with you! Cremated bones are significantly less cute than this, but similar in color.

    First, the family arrives and the coffin is ushered into a room where they say the final goodbyes. Then, the coffin is placed on a metal or stone slab and wheeled around to the incinerator chambers. A name plate at the side of the chamber door will tell everyone whose relative is inside so mix-ups are unlikely to occur. A crematorium worker will insert a key and start the combustion process.

    At this point, the family and guests will retreat to a large room on site and eat a meal provided by the primary family, usually through a bento-making company or other similar catering service. Around an hour and a half later, the family will be brought into the bone picking room where people will line up in order of importance and use long chopsticks to deliver the bones of the deceased into an urn provided. Sometimes this is done in pairs, with two people picking up the same bone fragment and delivering it together. In some areas, only the large bones are taken and the rest discarded. A lot of this is stuff a foreign mourner may only pick up by observing what others are doing or asking someone when they have the chance. If you're uncomfortable with this aspect, let your loved ones know, preferably before the burning.

    During my husband's paternal grandmother's bone picking, I was running after my then-two-year-old daughter. Children are usually excused from this and we also had a large turnout, so there were plenty of people to pick up the bones.

    With my husband's paternal grandfather's funeral, the group was limited to just four adults and one five-year-old to pick up every bone of the deceased. This is where having a funeral director in the family comes in handy. My husband asked the staff to assist after my father-in-law and mother-in-law picked up three separate pieces of femur together. Then my husband picked a few pieces by himself and my daughter volunteered to pick up one piece on her own and did so! I refrained mostly due to my own anxiety concerning accidentally sneezing/farting/burping/crying while attempting to participate.     
    As is custom in Shiogama, all bones were collected, big and small, and compacted with a wooden mashing device once before the final bits are added. This is apparently not the custom in neighboring Sendai. Facial bones and skull bones, at least in the case of my grandfather-in-law, were kept to the side by a crematorium staff member who placed these at the top of the pile in the urn before sealing it.

    As with many Japanese customs, it is important to be honest with the people you love and show your support however you can, even if it isn't picking through bones.