Apr 15, 2021
Heartbreak in Japan: Why I Broke Up With My Japanese Boyfriend
As a woman living in any country, it is bound to happen--love and heartbreak. Unfortunately, it is something that few people manage to escape. This is a topic that brewed in my head for months until I finally got the courage to write it today.
For three years, I wrote about my relationship with my Japanese boyfriend I met on my first college study abroad in Gifu, Japan. I wrote about the ups and downs and everything in between. Except for the breakup and why.
It happened 7 months ago... And it came from me. It was hard, heartbreaking, and scary on all levels. My ex-boyfriend was a big part of what made me feel secure in Japan. He was the reason I was able to get my phone, wifi, and apartment despite my visa. His family supported me and made me feel like a member of the family when I was missing my own. They helped me move, gave me gifts and tons of priceless advice. All of it disappeared and it was scary as hell.
This picture is the best visual summary of how I felt inside. Alone, lost, and trying to navigate through the struggles of being a foreigner in Japan. And feeling extra isolated from the pandemic. Pic credit: www.pixabay.com
Then of course the emotional side. It's not that I stopped loving my ex-boyfriend or that I didn't want to try anymore. It went cold. Basically like the typical Japanese marriages that I witness and feared turning into. I pushed for communication to no avail. The more I talked the more he seemed to push me out. I was frustrated and honestly mad. He didn't want to talk, he didn't want affection (including in the bedroom), but he was still there. I tried asking what was wrong if there was someone else, but nothing.
Then I just couldn't do it anymore. Before I started my new job and training in Tokyo for two weeks. I broke it off. He cried, I cried, he told me he would change, but I didn't believe him anymore. And I cut off all communication. After a few months, I decided to call him so that I could have some closure. I asked him why what happened? All he could say is that I got used to having you around. Yes, I am sure this happens in other cultures too, but I feel like it is a common theme when I look at Japanese marriages and long-term relationships. It feels almost like a loss of love.
It broke me, scared me. I doubted myself, wondered if it would be better to return home. Navigating through all of the things he helped me with was hard. It's hard to be a foreigner in Japan alone.
Honestly, my heart is still healing and it is still scary sometimes, but it gets better every day.
What is your breakup experience in Japan?
Teacher, Traveler, Dancer -
Currently living in Gifu -
I love Japan, dance, cats, food, and fashion!
12 Comments
KevinC
on Apr 15
I think you make the right choice, communication is a big part of a relationship. Japanese's politeness tended to lead them to be more passive, sometime they are not willing to tell their partner what is happening. I totally understand how you feel, but don't let that stop you from enjoying your life in Japan. Focus on what you enjoy and soon your prince will come knocking on your door :)
TonetoEdo
on Apr 15
I'm sorry you have gone through such a rough time. It's hard in any situation. From what you describe, this was a committed relationship, no matter that you were married or not. There are relationships that last a while, and others a lifetime. It takes time to mend either way. I wish you well!
ReishiiTravels
on Apr 19
@KevinC Thank you!
ReishiiTravels
on Apr 19
@TonetoEdo Thank you!
maynestacy
on Apr 21
Thank you for sharing something so personal. Hang in there.
ReishiiTravels
on Apr 22
@maynestacy Thank you
Aimi
on May 29
Hi there, I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you are healing well and loving yourself more & more each day. As a foreigner in Japan myself, I don't have many connections or relationships with other foreigners in Japan at the moment, especially with the pandemic situation brewing. I feel very lost on some days. I'm so used to the vibrant energy and excitement from friends that I've met in my home country as well as other international friends, I miss that culture. I am currently in a relationship with my Japanese boyfriend, we go to the same university. In the beginning, it was incredibly hard for me to understand the culture of our relationship, and I always got frustrated about that. Our difference in communication is pretty tough, he is a really reserved man and I am really outgoing. These days I've learned to accept our relationship vibe. We don't normally talk to each other but when we do, it's when we go on dates, etc. For the last couple of months, I've noticed his love is growing stronger? I would say since he doesn't communicate well, I look into his effort. I feel like I gave up on our communication problem. He doesn't seem to believe in long-lasting marriages as well, as his parents are divorced. I wanted to end the relationship but, I could see that he loves me. I do as well. I can't help but think if I pursue our relationship further, would it end in just heartbreak? or we might actually end up getting into a future loving marriage...
ReishiiTravels
on Jun 1
@Aimi I'm sorry you are having a hard time. At the end of the day, I believe it's not whether if the person loves you are not, but if they are giving you the effort you deserve. You will find the right answer, I'm sure.
Bella
on Jun 7
I hope you are doing well. I remembered my first break-up with my first boyfriend. We met in Japan. I took the break up really badly and i was depressed for almost 3 years. I went to date other guys, but his memories still keep coming back to me. I guess first love never dies
ReishiiTravels
on Jun 7
@Bella Thank you.
NOTONTHELAM
on Feb 2
Were there any real long-term plans or was he just “my cute Japanese boyfriend. Yay!”. Did his parents pressure him to marry you and have children? Otherwise, they, and maybe he, would see the relationship as pointless. Just trying to look at it from another point of view. Good luck and are you still in Japan working at a language school?
andikurnia
on May 20
Communication is a big part of relationship. Of course, it needs to be two ways talk and listen. I think you make the right choice. Cheers!